The news from my head

I just found the change font color function, so, don't mind if I do!
It has been a couple of very uneventful days here lately. In case I haven't complained to you personally about it, I have been awfully sick with a cold that I hope is going to be over soon but is lingering in my ear making me deaf and kind of dizzy if I tilt my head to one side. Soon I will have consumed an entire jar of honey, a little lemon shaped bottle of lemon juice, and who knows, maybe 20-30 bags of tea. Taking into account that each bag is reused once or twice, that's a lot of tea. I have watched a lot of TV, including a cheerful little old film today featuring the Swedish armed forces in training camp, which as far as I could tell involved a lot of practical jokes and chasing down cute nurses to ask them out for dinner. There were subtitles (in Swedish) which gave me at least a chance at understanding what was going on. I have slept a lot. I have patted a lot of kitties. Well, the same two kitties, but lots of times. I have not, however, done any thinking about what is coming up in the next semester, or how I'm feeling now besides congested, or what I want to accomplish before its really all over and I fly back to the US again. I am having trouble thinking, generally speaking, partly because I am asleep all of the time and therefore don't have any conception of what date or day of the week it is. Also, I haven't left the house except once since I got here, so I don't know very well what the weather is like. And most of my social interactions have been extremely cute and pleasing conversations in Danish with a three year old that go like this: JONAS "bim baum pffffftt!!" ME "bim baum pfffft!" JONAS " Bim! Baum! PFFFFFFFFTTTT!" ME "Bim Baum PFFFFFFTTT!!!"..., or this conversation we had a few days ago: JONAS "Now I am going to sit...HERE." ME "Now I am going to sit... HERE." JONAS "Now I am going to sit... HERE!" ME "Now I am going to sit... on YOU." JONAS "Noooooo!!!" Like I said, this is something I enjoy a lot, but when you don't know what day of the week it is, or what its like outside, or what people are saying most of the time, its hard to feel in control and clear and ready to do some good thinking. Also, I am a bit distracted by two things. Firstly, I keep thinking something is scraping on the outside of the house, like the time squirrels got inside the porch roof at home, when in fact it is the cat eating out of its food dish. Secondly, the fact that my ear is full of junk or something means that I can hear what sounds like approaching footsteps but what actually is my heartbeat pounding in my ear.

The problem is I feel like it would be really good to do some thinking. Before Christmas in the week after I left Stockholm, I was feeling really weird, every night I was having anxious dreams where I would be in a situation that I had worried about but had gone fine in real life but in my dream the things I worried would happen came true. It wasn't really dramatic, just stuff like I took the last piece of cake and in my anxious dream everyone was mad at me - JUST AS I'D FEARED! I still feel kind of unsettled, even though I haven't had these dreams since I've been here in Denmark. I was kind of fixating on all of the sad, awkward or upsetting things that have happened or could have happened, and it would just be really nice to have something else to fill my head with. Did I mention I am also compulsively checking my email and facebook? Yeah, I need something to think about. Wow that sentence just brought these two songs to mind. #1 That part in the Buffy musical where Buffy is singing that song about the apathy resulting from being pulled out of heaven by her friends to the dancing demon "Please, just give me something to sing about!" (replace sing with think) #2 the song in the musical South Pacific song called Happy Talk where bloody Mary gives relationship advice to the young Lieutenant who is in love with her daughter "Talk about the moon, floating in the sky..." (replace talk with think).

Actually, I see no reason why I shouldn't continue this exercise for the rest of the song. Maybe it will give me some good advice.

"Happy think, keep thinkin' happy think Think about things you'd like to do.
You got to have a dream, If you don't have a dream, How you gonna have a dream come true?
Think about the moon floatin' in the sky Lookin' at a lily on the lake; Think about a bird learnin' how to fly. Makin' all the music he can make. Think about a star lookin' like a toy Peekin' through the branches of a tree; Think about the girl, think about the boy Countin' all the ripples on the sea. Happy think, keep thinkin' happy think, Think about things you'd like to do. You got to have a dream, If you don't have a dream How you gonna have a dream come true? If you don't think happy, and you never have a dream, Then you'll never have a dream come true!

Aus Hamburg; or This isn't Kansas, Dorothy

Is it strange that the first thing I noticed about being in Germany was the group of excited teenagers playing Foosball/table soccer in the corner of the coffeeshop/bar/club I ended up in? I think I have finally given up being jealous of people who are really good at Foosball; it doesn't interest me at all anymore.

It's hard to tell how I am feeling right now. I left Stockholm without really thinking about what that means. And right now what that means is I can't eat pepperkakor non-stop or go out and buy a kanelbulle for breakfast at noon, or go to Hötorget to get yelled at by the vegetable market people, or eavesdrop on people and understand some of what they are saying. German sounds like complete nonsense to me, and I didn't really realize that Swedish doesn't sound like a bunch of random sounds anymore - it sounds like Swedish which i sometimes somewhat understand.

Actually, I left Stockholm in a mess, perhaps epitomized by this picture. Ryanair's weight limits inspired me to wear as much of my clothes as possible, which as it turns out included 4 pairs of pants, with 3 skirts on top, three dresses, 3 shirts, 2 sweaters, 1 sweater vest and 2 coats. Oh yeah, and 3 scarves. Take that, Ryanair! Also I almost missed my flight, as in I was running towards the plane on the runways at 2:20 and the flight was supposed to leave at 2:30. Completely my fault, but still it had the feeling of "why is this ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME at the end of the semester?"

I miss knowing where to go, at least sort of, even if I got lost walking Pepe in Gamla Stan and ended up in Slussen after walking to Statshuset, and I miss all of my Swedish friends. I don't have any German friends, although I thought about asking Erik's neighbors to play games with me, they might think I am a creep or mildly retarded or maybe they don't speak English; either way I'm afraid to knock on doors of complete strangers just because I'm lonely.

my last Friday in Stockholm, and what am I doing?

I thought I lost this post, but blogger is smarter than i am and autosaves everything that i do. So here is what I was thinking about last Friday.



I really can't believe this is the last day! Tomorrow morning around noon I will leave for Hamburg, where I will meet up with Erik and then together we are going to spend Christmas in Denmark with Ditte and Lars and the whole family I suppose.

Tonight I think I will be having my last earthenware glass of mjöd with Alexandra (from Belgium) and Linnea (from Sweden!) and then sledding with my housemates on garbage sacks down the avenues of Gamla Stan (yippie!)

OH, I learned a new word yesterday, no WEDnesday. It was one of Siri's favorite words: upplopp. It means "riot"

Today around noon I saw a jul konsert I think it was called at Norra Real, the school that Linnea goes to. It was like an end of the year talent show/concert for the last day of school before break. There was a group of dancers who did a routine to Michael Jackson songs, and then maybe 30 kids got up and sang something about giving your heart away for Christmas only to have it broken the next day... and then came the 3 or 4 teenage girls who thought they were hot shit singing Christmas classics with as sexy of an inflection as they could muster (some were pretty good, the sexy version of White Christmas kind of threw me off though). BUT THE BEST was the very last guy who was just a guy who could play the bagpipes and then stomped/marched around the stage playing the bagpipes for like 10 minutes, ending with a bagpipe rendition of the Swedish national anthem. Oh, and they also distributed the prize for the winner of the gingerbread house competition. Fun!

Its really pretty here now with snow everywhere. Last night at the apartment we had a "pyssel kväll" which actually just means "crafts evening" but its something people do around Christmas time - you drink glögg and then take oranges and make patterns by sticking cloves in them so that you can tie a ribbon around them and hang them in your window to smell good. We ate goat cheese on pepperkakor, and I made spinach artichoke dip and we also had some wine so it was pretty successful.

Its three o'clock now and I'm watching the sunlight disappear behind the building next door. I still have a lot to do this afternoon - pack and weight my bags, mail the stuff that doesn't fit within the weight limit, oi, I don't know what else. It doesn't feel very dramatic because I'm not REALLY leaving, I'm just going to Denmark, but at the same time I won't be living in Stockholm any more and that is actually a big change. I can always visit, but this is the end of a four month long romance with the city and now I have to say adieu and I don't really know how to feel.

What???

totally random guy sitting behind me.. asks in swedish if I know much about computers as I sit here typing and checking my email. Then, oh you're american. He wanted to scan something. Told him to go to a place where they have scanners. He could tell I was being sarcastic. Said, "America. That's not a country anyone would want to be from." I said, "Last time I checked, you can't choose what country you're born into."
He says, "who knows? We're just little ants in a huge universe. We think we know so much but we know so little."
"you know," he says, I thought you were a lot older, with your grey hair. Why would a person choose to look so much older when they are young?"
WEll, I responded, I didn't realize that i looked older. I was bored. That's why, and so I died it blue and that was fun and I don't care how old I look.

"oh its blue is it."

Yes""

We continued to chat like this (why are you here, where are you staying, oh punk was coming out in my time, the revival is not the same as the original...) I asked him about the small oriental looking doll pinned to his bright red women's coat with fuzzy black lapels. He said, "oh this. I borrowed this. tomorrow I'm playing music on a train platform. It's traditional you know, they give out bread. I didn't want to wear a hood (santa cap) like all the others. So I borrowed this and I will wear a sparkly hat. I'm conducting. I play so much music.

you know, he said, I can tell that you are heavy in yourself.
What? I said. What exactly do you mean?

"I don't believe this," he said, "but some people, who have lived several lives before this one, they're like that." "I don't know how else to say it. When i was younger, i thought I was so adult and mature, and I acted so grown up. But everyone's racist. I think its better If we just get it out and struggle with our own demons. just struggle with it. But 80 percent of the population shouldn't be allowed to vote. That's not just Sweden or America or Belgium. But the whole world. Most people are just interested in drinking and partying on and sex and don't give a shit about anything else. I'm not saying that you don't like drinking and partying on and all that stuff, but it just seems like you have it figured out."

"I have to go smoke now" he said and put on his fitted red jacket.

I'll watch your plastic cups, I said.

Thanks

I'm in Love!

With the National Library of Sweden!

I've been here all day and all afternoon yesterday and probably all day tomorrow! Its everything a girl could ever want from a library. Huge rooms with lofted ceilings and dark green furniture filled with old looking books of every kind. I have been sitting here reading to my heart's content about the development of the Swedish fashion industry which is fascinating! If you ever need a break, there is a restaurant/cafe in the basement, and you can buy cool (?, i think so) gifts at the information desk, like metal bookends in the likeness of Selma Lagerloff, or August Strindberg, or Statshuset. Also, to the rear of the library lies Humlegården, a classy park that contains the sculpture of Carl Linnaeus that was made by a sculptor that I am supposedly related too.

Why is it that you spend a long time somewhere (I think 4 months is a long time) and don't meet your one true love until the very last week? I want to come here every day for the rest of my life; its true love!!!

It kind of reminds me of entering a temple when you come inside. You aren't allowed to bring any coats or outside bags inside the library because they house all the important documents of Sweden or something of the sort, so you have to go through this brief transformation into a worthy visitor in the coat room before you are allowed to enter. And its just such a beautiful building. I will have to look up who the architect is.

But also I have to keep reading because I only have 2 more days left to finish a 10 page paper on masculinity in fashion in Sweden, or at least that's what I hope its about, and I hope to work at the student pub for the second to last time tomorrow night and probably consume a fair amount of alcoholic beverages, so I really need to book it today before the library closes at 8. I just get overcome with this GIANT LOVE whenever I come here!